I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
