Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
