Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
