It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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