If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
