Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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