Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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