I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
