Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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