It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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