so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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