Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
