Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
