im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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