Kiss
Puke
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
