a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
