every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
