the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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