I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
