Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
