i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
