i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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