a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
