one two three fourrrrnication!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
