I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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