I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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