Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
