Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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