So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
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