she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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