He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
