I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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