i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
