my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I supernannyed him into submission
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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