Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
