Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
