can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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