Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
