I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
