so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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