i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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