why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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