I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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