I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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