I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
