My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
