Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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