I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
