Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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