Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
