Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
