the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
